she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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