I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
