last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize