i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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