My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
