What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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