LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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