my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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