Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
