we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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