he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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