He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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