i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
