We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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