I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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