i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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