I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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