life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
