So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize