my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize