Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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