I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
