do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
