im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
