when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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