The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
