just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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