my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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