i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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