put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
