no, he came in my armpit
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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