im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
