youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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