you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
