Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize