Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
