Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
