College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Im part way to drunk.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
