Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
