You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
