I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
