I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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