Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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