I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
