I'm lost and stupid without you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize