this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
They took my balls.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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