I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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