Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize