I just saw a hot homeless man
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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