What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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