I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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