I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
