Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think i got beer on your cat.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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